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Suburban Reptile's B&G Simrad 100 report

10 Sep 2007

One fine summers day a keen pair of kiwi lads sat thinking about boats, they do this a lot. ?Whats News? asked Greygor looking quite shabby and very much a dodgy Suburban Reptile. "Buggered if I know and I resent the implication I might" was the reply.

"Lets go for a yacht, get back to the club, enjoy a few drinkies and maybe have a crack at a local princess" said Greygor. "Err.. I don't know, you're not really too much of a Lightfoot on a boat Greygor. Besides that, if your missus finds out about any wayward sowing of your Wild Oats, she'll open your bag and remove the contents" replied Macca. Greygor snapped back "Just take ya hand off it and make a Final Decision will ya" "OK we're on" fires back Macca who is always keen for any reason to let the lawns grow, purely in the interest of gaining carbon credits.

The lads hunt for more crew but find it?s not that easy at times with a dodgy reputation especially when one is referred to as Mr Kamikaze due to some interesting historical antics. "Come for a yacht" they call wildly all over town. "No way, you fart too much", "You 2 are just spooky" are just 2 of many negitive replies. Thinking outside the box they even try to get the entire Miss NZ contestants to come but they weren't too sure about the house rule of sailing while having to be completely naked so declined. Bugger them all say the lads so decide to do some male bonding and go 2 handed.

"Bugger, we have 4 hands, who is cutting theirs off" asked Greygor, not being the smartest batten in the mainsail. Macca, being a long time yachter with issues had an easy answer. "If we put one of the sub-sponsor products in one of our hands we have only 2 left so we are good to go". There was a concern enjoyment of the product, which was heading large, may hinder getting back but Macca has great faith in his Simrad TP22 Tillerpilot, one of favourite bits of gear.

After looking far and wide they find a fantastic 3 race series right on their back door step. Carefully disguising themselves as yachties they bluffed an entry in to the B&G Simrad Series. Race day comes, the sub-sponsors product is loaded, the B&G H1000 is fired into life and they are off. They start quietly in case they get pinged for being a Moving Violation.

Reaching (still/again) pasted the back of Tiri behind a fleet of high-speed hot rods Greygor spots a big yellow bird. "How cool is that. Is it a Grunty Chicken?" he says. Macca, having an IQ of 13, which is the highest of the pair, replies "No dumbarse, that is a gannet, the other is blue and puffs out a really massive lime green plumage when it feels wind tickling its arse then flies off downhill real quick"

The racing progress's and evening comes along with a bit of a Cool Change coming up quite unexpectedly. The darkness does strange things to the pair and the volume knob on the stereo. The wind is soft, the sponsors product cold but reducing in volume fast and Greygors attempt to show Macca a dance he learnt in New Orleans goes a bit off track. "Bloody sloppy seas, I'll have to rename that one the Wave Cajin" grumbles Greygor. "Lets just have a nice long cool glass of "calm the f**k down", shall we. Let's see if we can finish before the rugby starts" says Macca always thinking one piss-up ahead.

They drift passed Rangi light somewhat dismayed at the lack of push towards the finish and rugby. A nice bit of RnB playing on the stereo to calm the fraying nerves. Looking back a mass of twinkling red and green lights are bearing down on them. "Oh crap, I wouldn't want to be on the finish boat sorting that pile out" says Macca pulling out their Cobra HH3000 VHF. "SSANZ Sports, 200mts to the finish with a mother load of boats right on our botty".

Ya Hoo!! They beat the pack by a huge 5 seconds across the line. The lads take a breath and watch the resulting chaos as the following bunch cross the line (from both directions). "Oh crap!", here comes that boat to give us a safety inspection. Luckily the mighty beast is a lot closer to Cat 2 than Cat 4, especially after putting on those 2 lightweight but very legal anchors?.

What's this??? The nice men on the boat are passing goodies and what's more a new flavour of goodies that was not known to the lads. Yummy, yummy yummy. 3 races and 3 differing flavours of goodies, call us pigs and get us some sh*t. What perfect timing as well as the lads had just cracked their emergency reserve and the race was bloody Thirsty Work (all though not as damn fast).

The lads came, they raced, they drunk and had a ball.

The Lads would very much like to thank the effort and antics of : 

The SSANZ Race Committee, the wind ordering person excepted. The phrase "You're Fired!"  springs to mind.Ed note...perfect I can go racing instead next year

Brett and the team at Advanced Trident for being brave enough to associate with themselves with such a bunch of derros.
B&G for great instruments even though they showed how slow we were at times. How about changing any boat speed number below 10kts to read "Pull finger ya dickheads" instead.
Simrad for a great but un-used Autopilot. The Tillerpilot of choice when having a pot noodle or searching for that elusive last rumbo you know is there somehwere.
Cobra for a great VHF to listen to the finishing antics.

for "Gold with Dry", "Gold with Lemonade" and the surprise of "Gold Energy". The liquid of choice.

SSANZ once again because they did damn good.

The All Blacks for not making the rush home a serious disappointment.
The Argentineans for stirring the RWC up from game 1.

All we have to do now is doctor a few documents to bluff an entry in next years SSANZ Series by B&G Simrad we hope. No pressure though Brett